Reflection on "The Meaning of Marriage"

I just finished “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller.

I had heard a lot about it for years, and I heard it quoted often. So, I finally committed to reading it, and three quotes captivated my thoughts. The quotes give a biblical foundation and could provide inspiration to whoever would care to glean truth.

Quote: “When I met my future wife, Kathy, we sensed very quickly that we shared an unusual number of books, stories, themes, ways of thinking about life, and experiences that brought us joy…” 

Undoubtedly, so many things climb to the top of people’s priority list in finding a spouse. These include physical appearance, chemistry, emotional connection, personality, and I bet even money could be added to this list. I will not say that these things shouldn’t be on one's list, but are they in their proper place? Perhaps, out of balance, we would end up in a place much like that of celebrities. The most beautiful, famous, and wealthy people in American society “fall” in love yet have marriages that last only a short time. Why? Well, I’m sure many reasons could contribute, but perhaps one of the most significant reasons could be a lack of friendship. As exciting as the above characteristics may be, they do not have the power to withhold the storms of life.  Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain….” Someone may be impressive on the first date, but it could fade in year two of marriage. Physically, as I observe older people, gravity is winning that battle. The metabolism slows drastically; wrinkles surround our eyes, and we lose our hair (some of us). There must be something deeper that can withstand…

Among other essentials friendship is essential for a lasting marriage. CS Lewis called it the same “secret road:” two kindred spirits who share the same values, laugh at the same jokes, engage in similar life missions, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Talking with them feels like it was never long enough; you want more of their presence. Their existence energizes you. It doesn’t suck the life out of you. A spouse who is your friend before almost everything else will be one who loves to hear you talk wants to ask you questions, desires to see you thrive, and enjoys your company. That is what Tim had with Kathy, a friendship that withstood time.

So what? Perhaps it would benefit to sit down and write out the character traits you desire in a future spouse. For me, meaningful conversation with depth is highly important to me. I am passionate about knowing the truth and applying it to my life. Nothing is more attractive to me than a woman who enjoys the same. The conversation is invigorating. It is like we are playing chess on our own secret board. We engage in rich conversation, state our opinions, support our foundation, and then enquire of the others. WOW! My truest friendships have depth.

On the other hand, you know what is exhausting to me? High-energy people who have to constantly be on the go. What’s next is the question they often ask. Let’s play a game, let's go putt-putting, let's get ice cream. Just the thought of doing all of that makes me want to go to bed. Trust me, I enjoy all of those things, but maybe one a day (or maybe just like one a week). In those friendships, I would quickly become deadweight. It’s truly just understanding that there will be some people we connect with and some we don’t. Not good or bad, just different. That’s ok! I know that of myself and am comfortable in my own skin. I realize I don’t have to be friends with everyone I meet.

In Song of Solomon 8:4, Solomon states not to “awaken love until the time is right…” Engaging romantically or trying to engage romantically before a friendship has been established is putting the cart before the horse. It’s forcing something that may never have been meant to be. Knowing yourself and how God made you is important to knowing what contributes to rich friendships in your life. Make sure they can be your friend before they can become your lover. 

Quote: “We use the other for our own glorification; we bask in the presence of our beloved because we enjoy the image of ourselves that is reflected back…”

Hopefully, you enjoyed the first quote because, really, it was just baiting you for this not-so-fun quote. But stop for a second and think about this. Think about what you are really attracted to in someone. You can even write them out. Take a look at that list. When I take a moment to think and be honest, that list looks a lot like me! I have subconsciously created an ideal of someone in my mind who is just like myself. I have a sin problem, and so do you! I am so self-absorbed that what draws me to someone are not things that matter most, like godliness and humility; it's me seeking in someone what I see in myself. 

Have we ever (maybe you have) been led in a pursuit by things that matter most to God? Is someone who studies the Scriptures, serves in the church, gives to the poor, and lays up treasures in heaven our North Star, our guiding compass? Do you think if we sought out those character traits in someone as our leading priorities, you would have a good and beautiful marriage? Honestly, yes, I do! There may be other things about someone that you would have to “grow to love,” but the truth is, marriage to a godly spouse would change the game. This point does not disqualify the previous, but it helps us understand that we are sinners who love ourselves. It changes our lens of perspective and helps us embrace the reality of our condition, and helps us approach what we are looking for in a much more humble state of mind.

So what? Am I there? No, but I believe I can get there. By asking God to change my heart and spiritual tastebuds. Praying prayers like “God, help me to taste and see that you are good…” I believe that over time and discipline (discipline yourself for godliness 1 Tim. 4:7,8), our heart changes; what was once hard like a stone is now soft like freshly tilled soil. We see others how God sees us, for our beauty rests not in our natural condition but rather in the condition of the One in Whose righteousness we claim. 

Quote: “Now we can see how marriage-as-friendship agrees so well with love-as-commitment. On the cross, Jesus did not look down on us with a heart full of admiration and affection. He felt no “chemistry.” But he gave himself. He put our needs ahead of his own; he sacrificed for us. But the Bible tells spouses not only to imitate the quality and manner of Christ’s love but also the goal of it. Jesus died not because we were lovely but to make us lovely…”

I am not going to first say, “Find someone who is selfless like Jesus…” The statement alone insinuates that you yourself are the same. That cannot be assumed. I am going to first say, “Become a servant like Jesus.” Then, you’ll be able to recognize in someone else what is already true of you. Only when we understand who we are and what we deserve can we truly treat others in the same way that Jesus treats us. Keller writes, "He looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, betraying him- and in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed…” 

We don’t think like that. When someone cuts me off on the highway (living in CA, that happens a lot), I react in a way that my friends at church may not recognize. I am angry. How DARE you! I give up on people quickly because my theology is twisted in human reason, placing myself as a god who better not be inconvenienced. People won’t change through contempt, guilt, correction, and manipulation. They will only change through love. By remaining kind in the face of adversity. Patient in the midst of pressure. Enduring amongst disappointment. 

Even stating this brings conviction to my life, but seek a spouse who reminds you of Jesus. When He was wrongfully accused, he “opened not his mouth…” (Is. 53:7). He was tortured for doing nothing wrong. He embraced the cross for the very people that hung Him on it.

So what? The more I’ve been walking with Jesus, the more those who do the same become beautiful to me. It’s not the clothes they wear nor the percentage of their body fat; it’s Jesus through them. Surely, we are not so blind that we can’t lift our heads up to see the end of the road in which we walk. If we spend our days investing in a kingdom of this earth, the end looks empty and lonely. But oh, Christian, when life is lived in the pursuit of Christ, we experience something so much deeper that no earthly treasure could even bring. We understand just what we deserve and just how much He did. He spilled His precious divine blood for Jake Walton, the traitorous sinner who deserved hell. He calls me His “masterpiece.” He calls me His “treasure.” Wow! As it hits me, I cannot help but be moved. This is called unconditional love.

The closer we get to Jesus, the more we become like Him. The more we become like Him, the more our desires change. In a future spouse, internal beauty becomes our reward. As our unavoidable neighbor named “aging” knocks on the door, we welcome it with warmth and cheeriness of heart (Proverbs 31:5). Why? Well, because we love Jesus and married someone who sincerely did the same. When the gospel is central to relationships, it will only grow sweeter to the soul, and that is a deep truth in which a shallow world cannot compete.